Frustrated

I am kind of panicking... Not completely sure why... I just feel heart sick. I know I should be okay with the idea of being alone my whole life. But that's so difficult, and I am not okay with it.

I love God... I love Him with all my heart soul and mind.. i love Him passionately and fully... it's not that i don't think He's enough for me.

It's that there is something in me that likes being needed....

I guess I haven't died to self... but... that's where i am.... frustrated...

To be Melissa

Have you ever had someone in your life that you physically could not hide anything from? I do.

I have like four. It's interesting I am fantastic at hiding things, that is until you get to know me. Then I am a fountain, I HAVE to say exactly how I feel, and why I'm feeling like this in order to work anything out inside my head.

If I don't do this I start burying myself inside, and throwing up walls, and getting sort of emotionally sick. I am not sure if that really makes sense to anyone, or if any one else is like that. It's quite possible that this is one of those extrovert things that I just don't fully comprehend.

Like I have to be around people for several hours a day, or I get not only weird, but lost. I just start pulling inward, and pushing not only people out, but God out. Which... hello... it just doesn't work. Whenever I try to work something out on my own... it just doesn't work.

SO I don't have a pretty package to wrap this up with- it's basically a question for those of you who know me, and almost a hope that someone understands me.

Lazy Thursday

So, I am lying in bed on a glorious thursday morning. Loving life. Today is usually a day where I would open then run home, shower, then run to class fight to stay awake, then get home at three, and crash. Today, I get to lay around, because I have no assignments, and enjoy the morning.

Thank you Jesus for relaxing mornings.

I am just going to ignore the mess around me...

hahaha

Melissa

Defeat

So I attend college-which means that I have to write papers, and consider different discussion topics on a daily basis. A couple days ago I wrote prob. the worst paper I have ever written, on a topic I absolutely adore, for a prof. I really respect. Today I received my grade. It wasn't failing, not even really close to failing. Just around what I thought it would be. I was hoping there would be some hidden genius to my work. Some small light. No such luck.

Defeat.

I keep tasting defeat, today it was in the form of an essay, yesterday it was in a Glissade, tomorrow it might hide in another form. I might frame my defeat today, as a reminder. Yet I am very thankful that our creator does not define me by my moments of defeat.

So if you feel defeated this week, or like you have failed in some way... look on the bright side, Know that your faults do not define you. You have been redeemed.

Love,

Melissa

The Chameleon Prince

What if you spent your entire existence pretending to be someone you are not. Letting your tongue drip with honey as you seduce those around you. Letting vice become a part of you, ultimately stripping away your humanity.

This is something that has really bothered me lately. I just finished "Richard The Third," which is basically about this guy who spends his entire life doing this just so he can become king. Which does, for like two years? He also kills a lot of people, some innocent, and others less.

How could that be worth it? Would you trade your entire life for the pursuit of power? Only to loosely hold it in your hands, watching it wash away quickly. It just doesn't seem... valuable.

I am interested in power. I wouldn't be completely human if I wasn't easily tempted by the idea of being something greater than the weaker being I am. Isn't that how Satan talked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit? Which worked out really well for us...

The only power I want to be interested is so much more than power. A father who loves me, and wants to understand me. Because of that... I am greatly blessed.

You can have me...

I love these lyrics because they scare me... They really say very simply where I am right now, and at the same time where I want to be. It's called "You Can Have Me" by the sidewalk prophets. (never heard of them before this song... but LOVE it...) So this is my prayer of the week...

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me

Day Three/Four

Everything is going by way too fast. There are things that I wanted to do that are not going to happen, and things that I didn't expect to happen or get done getting done. I am so glad to have the time off of work.

I am having a hard time wanting to go back.

I think this is the first time I've been able to get so much school stuff together, and in order before a semester. I really still need to do laundry, and catch up with more people. But... It is what it is....

I am picking up a shift on saturday... so.... I'll technically have more vacation left.

Do not want to go back... blah

Melissa

Day Two

Today was one of those days that turns out wonderfully. Even though nothing planed goes as planned. I had a good theology discussion with Hannah about God's love. We wrote one of the most timeless pieces of music this generation has ever heard.

Pretty Epic...

hahaha Epic.

Day One

First day of the vacation has been somewhat successful.

It began very weak. Numerous complaints were filed to Hannah regarding the many stresses that have consumed my life. Why these stresses were of the utmost importance, and why I should not be forced to do laundry. Why I am unable to complete chores during my vacation.

I then cleaned my room (still need to vacuum), and bathroom.

I did fold a load of laundry. Although I fail to wash a single load today. It felt good, and freeing... until I wanted to wear this cute dress for my girls night.

Then Hannah's voice rang through my mind... reminding me to wash at least one load, and forcing me to make a silent vow of "tomorrow".

Girls night was wonderful. I love Manon, and Kelly. We had an excellent time at Blanc, target, and topping everything off with people watching at peach wave. I have decided that I do not want children for at least a little while. I feel like there should be some sort of test parents take, and then they can procreate. There are far too many evil minions running about the world. I feel like this could be prevented with some sort of an exam.

Because that wasn't enough, I finished today off with a girly movie, which I forced Andrew to watch with me. He was a willing captive. He's used to the torture by now. I am ALL girl.

Anyway.

Good Day.

God pours out so many blessings on days when I am at my whiniest. I am so glad that He has blessed me with friends who do not let me whine, play with me, and watch girly movies with me. I can't wait to spend some serious time with Him this week. I haven't done that in quite a long time.

Well it's off to bed with lil' old me.

Melissa Kay Starks (It felt like it had to be a professional signature)

Vacation With Me

I am taking a vacation.

At this point in my college carrier I have had no time to spend with friends. Something I regret very much.

I feel like people don't understand how much I truly love them, because I don't have time to hang out, or make a phone call. I am always on the run. Always at work. Never able to go outside my schedule.

I am stressed.

I am trapped.

I wish I could say that the one thing I do have is God, although this statement would be me trying to sugar coat things. Hoping that if I say something enough times it will be true.

Now I have this time to seek Him. Clean things. Mend relationships. Create something sustainable in my life.

That's alot to fit into the week.

Let's see if I can do it...

Meli

Catch Me I'm Falling, Faster Than Anyone Should

I am, and always have been, a runner. Not a physical runner, because I don't really know how to run. *shocking* I know I come off as completely athletic. hahaha!

I run with my heart, and I cover it up skillfully with tasks. Work, hanging out with people, watching movies, or tv... really whatever I can do to get away from what is really facing me.

So far I have felt my Father chase me, either He will use a friend, sometimes the most unexpected ones, or He just runs me down with His love.

It's wonderful.

Yet, I still run. Quite often. Far too often. I wish my love was far less flawed. That I could believe my Father loves me so completely, that I don't have to deserve Him for Him to still want me. I wish that I didn't feel the need to hide everytime i make a mistake, or feel like I have completely wronged my friends. I know that I often simply hide behind a smile. Quickly learning who can read that, and running from them in an effort to hide just a little bit longer.

How lost am I? How lost are we?

I hide like Adam, and Eve. Ashamed to be seen by the eyes of my Savior. Ashamed to be loved in my utter brokenness. Yet the beauty that stems from this is, He still pursues me. In the wilderness of my heart He still chases after me. He seeks me, and when I seek Him in return. I find Him, and can follow Him with all of my heart.

What a perfect love story.

Me and my Lord.

Melissa

Change is good?

I know you are all sitting on pins and needles, wondering, waiting, pondering, wither or not my french toast turned out wonderfully.

Fear not fair readers, It was delightful.

I am very pleased with my latest cooking adventure.

I feel like I should blog to keep my mind off of Hannah. I miss her horribly. It is more unbearable than I expected it to be actually. I have kind of been keeping a distance from her this summer, In part it was in preparation for this event. Mostly because I have been working so much, and she has been so busy with "Children of Eden". (Which was wonderful btw)

Therefore when she left, I thought the weeks would flow by pretty well. I am still working as much, if not more. Although so far it's been two days, and I have had like 10 thousand mental breakdowns.

I know what some of you are thinking.

"Why don't you just lean on God more?"

It's not really about that.

It's about loving a friend, and a sister. I feel homesick for her. I honestly do not see a problem with that. It's only natural after a few days to feel the edges of change effect your life.

So this third entry is pretty lame, and yet I feel as though i have to write something.

I have a dorky movie to watch today (Twilight Saga: Eclipse), with some great company. (Mr. Hartline)

So, all is well in melissa land.

I just miss my soul sister.

wow I'm a dork....

Melissa S.

Baked Apple French Toast

I made Baked Apple French Toast...

I am not sure how it's turned out, although I will find out tomorrow morning.

I feel proud....

Out with the old?

Maybe you've experienced this- you go to clean out your closet, and it's so full that you can hardly breath. Yet the idea of letting go of a few items seems almost impossible.

Partly because they are difficult to throw away, because there is so much stuff. I am not talking about hoarding folks. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I have a huge fear of having a hoarding disorder.

It's like this obsession we all have with holding onto our stresses. Because if we don't stress about something, then we don't care about it. If we don't care about it, then who will?

How messed up is that?

Yet, I know of a God who loves me, and wants me to clear out my life of sin and stress, and the best thing of all is that He wants to help me. Which means in order to really clean out my closet all I have to do is give this up to Him.

That used to be an easy concept for me to grasp. I think I even spoke to a friend about how it was difficult for me to see God's wrath, not God's mercy and love.

Yet, lately I have begun carrying my own baggage, and trying to close the door on the closet of life on my own. Letting all the crap stack up until it seems impossible to clean.

So, I just ignore the closet, until it really gets to me, and I have another mental break down.

I don't think we can understand God's love, because our own love is so flawed.

We can't really fathom what unconditional love is, because we don't have the ability to love someone completely unconditionally.

Maybe we can almost love someone unconditionally, but come on guys? You knows your love is flawed. At least I feel the flaws of my love for others. (another guilt moment)

I think I am okay with not understanding Him, but I think I need to chase Him and lean on Him more.

I want to be buried in Him, in His love. Because at the end of the day, I know He's not only the one who will clean my closet, He's the only one who can save me, save me from exactly who I am. Even after saving me from who I am, He loves who I am. It's allot to handle.

~Melissa