Type-A Psychotic Moments

I Melissa Kay am type A... not blood type... I have no idea what my actual blood type is... I prob. should know by now since i am 22, and if i was in some kind of a horrific car accident doing alot of blood tests to see who matches me might be a bad idea... unfortunately I am not the useful kind of type- A obviously... organized in a way that would actually help me...

Instead I am here sitting alone in my room heavily researching thanksgiving turkeys, and freaking out about how much my wedding will cost (I'm not engaged)...

I seriously wonder if I could somehow throw a $1,000 wedding, or if we could support ourselves on our tiny budget when we are married... exp. if i have so much to pay in student loans... So i rant into this tiny computer screen... hoping some imaginary reader will read this, and think of some amazing plot to make a $1,000 wedding possible, and a free stage show...

Unfortunately dear imaginary readers... i know i should be praying because every time i do pray for something God actually provides for me, and amazingly...

So I guess I'm asking all of you to pray for me... that I swim, and i don't sink... and that God will provide the means for marriage, and life in general...

that is all...

Melissa

The Hannah and Melissa Show

If my life was a show I have decided it would be called "The Hannah and Melissa Show" like the Mary Tyler Moore show but ten times better (or nothing like the Mary Tyler Moore Show because I have never watched that show... oh well) Anyway... in today's episode of the Hannah and Melissa show Melissa decides to say everything that she thinks inside her head... without getting fired... or something like that.... it's an alternate universe... like a therapeutic Twilight Zone.

Anyway... in this alternate universe like your current universe... I would be hilarious... as well as completely inappropriate... yep... sooooooo that won't happen... except on tv where i can get good ratings for being a bad child... for now I'll be good...

No more Facebook... it's been kind of weird... trying to build a actual social life... but i have no time for my actual social life... oh well... December is coming and I will have graduated from college... oh yea baby...

Throwing Away My Idols

Tonight is the eve of memorial day, as well as my Starbucks interview which lead to a few thoughts. (stolen from a very good sermon at Redeemer) In the past I have let my career define me, not in a major way, but in a small enough way to let it affect me...

This little stint of not having a job has been really difficult just because it feels like a part of my identity is gone. I'm not Melissa the Student, Barista, Shift Manager, Pre-school Teacher, or Intern. It's felt like I am lazy, or like I failed at something. Yet at Redeemer the pastor was talking about how that attitude does not show fear of the lord, and makes that job an idol. You let it own you instead of letting Christ own you.

How powerful is that? This little mind set, which is damaging me in this weird mental way, and causing me to take on workaholic tendencies is a form of idolitry. All of this stuff can't fill me, or make me more worthy in the eyes of my Lord. Just being His child is my main identity.

So... I am Melissa Kay Starks... a daughter of the most high God... that's ten times better than any of my careers...

Thank you Jesus...

Love and The Lord

Loving Andrew Michael Seba has taught me more about God’s love than I could have ever imagined. Not my own flawed love for Andrew, but more like Andrew’s love for me, Andrew loves me even though I make mistake after mistake. He wants me even though I constantly, and consistently disbelieve in his own love for me.

God’s love is even more perfect than Andrew’s, and my own personal faults are even greater when it comes to accepting God’s love. Everyday I disbelieve in His want of me, because He has absolutely no need of me, yet He still wants me. Mystifying.

As I grow more, and more in love with Andrew I look foreword to what God will teach me about myself, and His love for me, allowing our relationship to make each of us more Christ like.

New Page

Exactly two months ago I left Starbucks to begin a new job as a preschool teacher, then under some unfortunate circumstances I felt lead to leave that job and pursue an internship at the culture house. It's been about two weeks of unemployment, and I am hoping to go back to Starbucks as I start my internship.

Yet, I have throughly enjoyed my unemployment. It's been a unique challenge that I did not easily embrace. I was able to completely clean out my room, and make some significent changes... it still feels a bit crammed, and in need of re-ordering but it's getting there. I need to clean my closet too.

I've also learned that I love painting... I may not be talented... but I love it. I would love to learn to sew, and just work on developing some more of my artistic skills. I'm sort of excited to see where these new loves take me.

It feels strange to not let the roles of my career define me, Student, Barista, etc... none of those things are my master. Only God owns my heart, my crazy untamed heart, and yet He loves me unconditionally. In all of my depravity He sees beauty, and He sees something He is willing to shape and call His own.

So in this summer of change, and almost graduation I will write more... Paint more... Eventually learn to sew a few pretty things... and work on becoming a cleaner person...

Here we go... Time to conquer a new page with a LOT of help from The Lord...

Melissa

The Wrong Question

I just watched "Inception"... excellent film. Watch it. Now. Don't read this because it's full of spoilers. If you have watched "Inception" go ahead and read. Thank you!

Something struck me about it, and it wasn't a question of what is reality, or the nature of reality. Don't get me wrong, at first that was it, at first i had decided that Mal was right about her own personal universe, that it just wasn't real.

Then a huge plot twist happens, this wasn't the first "Inception", it was merely the second. The first one Cobb accidentally placed inside his wifes head until it grew into an infection, and eventually lead to her end. I had spent over and hour and half staring at a screen asking the wrong question.

So why is she in his own dream world? Why is he keeping her memory hostage? All points that lead up to the right question. What is the nature of sin? Why does it simply leave it's haunting pieces of pure agonizing guilt? I feel like that's near the right question, still not quite solving the puzzle of the movie for me. But just knocking at it's door.

Let's flip this for a second... oh to walk on walls like Arthur...

Any way... right now we're living in our own twisted form of anti-reality. (I am by no means encouraging you to kill yourself to wake up... so... put the gun down... that's right playa... put the gun down)

We were never created for this earth. We were meant to walk with God, our truest link to reality. Yet we sort of majorly screwed all that up by... sinning... welp not really sort of... we just did. So we walk in our own dream scape, weighted heavily by the guilt, sinning against our brothers and sisters. Never asking ourselves the right question.... just sitting there staring blankly at a screen questioning our own reality.

Luckily we have our own Cobb... a more successful Cobb... because we'll... He's perfect.. hahaha... Jesus. He came to give us our kick... to teach us the true nature of reality. That we are fallen, but this is not our end.

That's not our final question... but it's a pretty good answer now isn't it?

okay get ready to wisper a word... inception.... did you wisper it...

Good job boys and girls.

Melissa Out... WORD

Frustrated

I am kind of panicking... Not completely sure why... I just feel heart sick. I know I should be okay with the idea of being alone my whole life. But that's so difficult, and I am not okay with it.

I love God... I love Him with all my heart soul and mind.. i love Him passionately and fully... it's not that i don't think He's enough for me.

It's that there is something in me that likes being needed....

I guess I haven't died to self... but... that's where i am.... frustrated...